Jon Finkel facts

[Chuck Norris]

- There are three leading causes of game loss: zero life, zero cards in library, and Jon Finkel.

- Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice—because he was trying to count how much damage Jon Finkel deals in an average game.

- Bounce cards were printed so that creatures could temporarily escape from Jon Finkel.

- Ninjas, heroes, angels, dragons, and other creatures grow up wanting to be just like Jon Finkel. But usually, they grow up just to be removed by Jon Finkel.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need counterspells. All the creatures his opponents summon are afraid to come into play.

- Jon Finkel doesn't draw. He tutors. Every turn.

- Jon Finkel cannot lose; he can only spare opponents for a few more turns.

- Jon Finkel removes creatures and reanimates them to attack and kill more creatures. This is the cycle of life.

- There is no evolution. Just creatures which Jon Finkel hasn't removed yet.

- Jon Finkel never has to deal twenty damage. He deals one damage, and the other nineteen life abandon their player in fear.

- Jon Finkel never gets mana-screwed. Mana is afraid to screw with Jon Finkel.

- The removed from game zone exists because many cards are afraid to be in the same game as Jon Finkel.

- Jon Finkel only needs one basic land to get blackjack.

- There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jon Finkel's left hand and Jon Finkel's right hand.

- Jon Finkel never blocks; he just attacks from the opposite direction.

- When bad things happen to bad players, it's because they suck at the game. When bad things happen to good players, it's because they're playing against Jon Finkel.

- Professor X once tried to read Jon Finkel's mind to see what was in his hand. Now Professor X is sitting in a wheelchair.

- Dave Price once said, "There are no wrong threats, only wrong answers." That’s true only because all of Jon Finkel's threats are right, and all answers against Jon Finkel are wrong.

- Jon Finkel plays and wins Two-Headed Giant—by himself.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need to sleep with a gun under his pillow; just a basic land is enough to deal with any threat.

- The Berlin Wall fell because Jon Finkel attacked through it.

- Jon Finkel has never bought a Magic card. His entire collection comes from all the ante games he's won.

- Jon Finkel thinks the word mercy just means a turn-one kill, rather than winning when he sits down at the table.

- Cards wear Jon Finkel sleeves, and pros wear Jon Finkel boxers.

- Jon Finkel's creatures don't have to tap to attack, and his lands don't have to tap to produce mana.

- Jon Finkel wins clashes with basic lands.

- Jon Finkel can play Magic Online without a connection to the Internet.

- In order to control illegal immigration into the United States, the President asked Jon Finkel to declare blockers.

- There are bad plays, sub-optimal plays, optimal plays, and Jon Finkel plays. Jon Finkel plays are like optimal plays, except that they win games in fewer turns.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need to draw a Wrath of God to clear the board. All creatures die whenever Jon Finkel gets angry.

- Every time Jon Finkel taps a land, a woman has an orgasm.

- Jon Finkel ran out of cards in his library, but he didn't get decked. Jon Finkel doesn't have to draw cards if he doesn’t want to, because he doesn't need cards to win.

- Damage doesn't kill players. Jon Finkel kills players.

- The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World were the cards in Jon Finkel's opening hand.

- Jon Finkel doesn't bother to draft removal. He is removal.

- All your lands are belong to Jon Finkel.

- When God gets angry, creatures die. When Jon Finkel gets angry, players die.

The DCI doesn't give out suspensions. They give out reprieves from Jon Finkel.

In order to control illegal immigration into the United States, the President asked Jon Finkel to declare blockers.

Jon Finkel almost won the Vintage World Championships with Homelands preconstructed deck, he decided to cure cancer with it instead.

Tarmogoyf was created when John Finkel tried to cast squire.

Japan became good at magic when John Finkel tried sushi.

When John Finkel tried to High Roll against himself Kamigawa Block was created.

Richard Garfield, using his amazing forecasting powers, once tried to print a card that would compare to the explosiveness of a Jon Finkel opening hand. That card is now known as Black Lotus. It still didn't come close.

Jon Finkel's Tarmogoyfs are always 9/10.

Damage doesn't kill players. Jon Finkel kills players.

Kismet makes cards come into play tapped. Jon Finkel makes opponents come into the game tapped.

- To try to make games fairer, Jon Finkel began deliberately mulliganning down to zero as a handicap. The only difference that made was that he now wins on turn two instead of turn one.

- Jon Finkel can buyback cards from the graveyard and flashback cards from the removed-from-game zone.

- Wizards of the Coast had to add a third strike step to the rules for the combat phase because all of Jon Finkel's creatures were automatically coming into play with triple-strike.

- Jon Finkel is like the sun: he shone so brilliantly that he ended The Dark, and burned so intensely that he ended the Ice Age.

- Jon Finkel's creatures can attack and block even when already tapped.

- The Fallen Empires fell because Jon Finkel attacked them.

- Necropotence wins games, and Yawgmoth's Will wins matches. Finkelpotence wins tournaments, and Finkel's Will wins Pro Tours.

- Ask not what the cards in your hand can do for you; ask what Jon Finkel would do with the cards in your hand.

- Invasion was the first coming of Jon Finkel. Apocalypse was the second.

- Spells are too scared to charge Jon Finkel for their mana cost, so he just plays spells for free.

- Jon Finkel doesn't deal cards or damage; he deals death and pain.

- Jon Finkel believes in maintaining a healthy, balanced diet. He gets all his fiber from eating Magic cards for breakfast, and all his protein from eating Magic players for lunch.

- When Urza needs help with magic or artifice, he asks himself, "What would Jon Finkel do?"

- You know that all enchantments you play are countered when playing against Jon Finkel, right? What, you never read the text of Presence of the Master?

- Legends was originally going to consist of 310 copies of Jon Finkel, but then WotC realized Jon Finkel was too unique to copy. Thus was born the legend rule.

- When Jon Finkel looks at cards, they turn sideways. When Jon Finkel looks at women, they get horizontal, too.

- The libraries and graveyards of ordinary players consist of cards. The library of Jon Finkel consists of books like The Art of War, and his graveyard consists of the bodies of dead opponents.

- Jon Finkel doesn't draft auras, because auras already emanate from his presence.

- Whenever Jon Finkel wants jewelry or flowers to give to his girlfriend, he doesn't go to the jeweler or florist. He just plays Moxes and Lotuses, and precious gems and fragrant blossoms appear.

- Cards in Jon Finkel's decks arrange themselves in the order he wants no matter how much they're shuffled.

- The hidden enchantments of Urza block are hidden, and the Skulking Ghost is skulking, because they're afraid of Jon Finkel.

- Whenever any Jon Finkel attack phase ends, he asks for another one—and he gets it.

- Triggered abilities are so afraid of Jon Finkel that they ignore their condition and instead trigger whenever he tells them to.

- The New York Giants asked Jon Finkel to help them with their defensive strategy. Finkel thinks Giants is a weak tribe, but he lives in New York, so for the sake of the home team, he helped them declare blockers anyway. That's how the Giants stopped the previously unbeaten 18-0 Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.

- Global warming is caused by deforestation from all the treefolk Jon Finkel has cut down.

- There used to be elves, goblins, and dragons in the Middle Ages. Then Jon Finkel was born and removed them all. Jon Finkel doesn't like other tribes, and we're just lucky Jon Finkel was born superhuman and not superelf, supergoblin, etc.

- Dwarves, faeries, goblins, and kithkin are short because they're all afraid to grow tall enough to attract Jon Finkel's attention.

- Jon Finkel won the Lorwyn-Morningtide Pro Tour. The Infiltrator Mage's shadow was cast across the moors of Lorwyn, and that's how Wizards of the Coast named the next set Shadowmoor.

- If Jon Finkel plays a removal spell against you and it doesn't kill a creature, it's not because the removal spell was countered. It's because the removal spell was aimed at your best creature that you haven't played yet. Jon Finkel spells can never be countered.

- Jon Finkel counters and rearrange spells on the stack like he counters your punches and rearranges your face.

- The Endangered Species Act was passed by Congress to protect creatures from Jon Finkel, because with him around, most common and uncommon creatures became rare.

- For Jon Finkel, turning over morphs and flipping flip creatures is like cooking; it's as easy as turning bread over and flipping pancakes.

- Jon Finkel plays and wins seven-card stud with opening Magic hands.

- Some organizations make millions of dollars dealing drugs. Jon Finkel makes millions of dollars dealing damage.

- When playing against Jon Finkel, you might as well play with your hand face-up. Since he already knows what they all are anyway, it'll save you the effort of physically holding them. And every ounce of strength you have is very important because attempting to play against Jon Finkel is more physically exhausting than running a marathon.

- To make the game more challenging, Jon Finkel now drafts cards from packs at random. He still wins anyway.

- Fickle Efreet originally had the internal playtesting name of Finkel Efreet. It had the same text, but it cost only R, had haste, and was 20/8. When WotC R&D realized the card was broken, they increased its mana cost, took away haste, and divided its pow/toughness stats by four. Then they had to rename the card because Jon Finkel always wins by the first turn, so the card was no longer awesome enough to deserve Jon Finkel's name.

- WotC recommends that Magic is for players "13 and up" because putting Magic cards in baby Finkel's hands would be like giving a loaded gun to a child.

- Boldwyr Intimidator turns creatures into Cowards by introducing them to Jon Finkel.

Jon Finkel never mulligans because he has a bad hand, he just gets bored of first-turn kills sometimes.

Jon Finkel has a tattoo that says "20". He uses it to keep track of his life total.

Once, Gleemax cloned Jon Finkel and pitted him up against the original Jon Finkel. They played in over two thousand matches, each one always ending in a draw. That just goes to show that not even Jon Finkel can beat Jon Finkel.

Win the dierule with a 21 and let his opponent start (to give him a chance)
- Mulligan to zero (to give him a realistic chance)
- Finkel T1 draw Black Lotus, go
- Finkel T2 draw Ancestral, Lotus, sac for UUU play ancestral, draw Flash, Hulk, Pact of Negation
- The End

- When Jon Finkel reanimates Phage, his opponent loses the game.
- Jon Finkel won his first LLL-draft with 39 Plains and a Bog Hoodlum